Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
