Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
