god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
