I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
