Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
