Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
