my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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