I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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