Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
