It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
