just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
