I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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