i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
