mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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