i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
