I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
