Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
