It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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