the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
