I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
