i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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