my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
