so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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