Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
