I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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