You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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