Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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