Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
