its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
