umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
