Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
