Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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