my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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