Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
