i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
