Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
