dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
