His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
