What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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