I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The uberlube is also flammable
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
