I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
