How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
