Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
