then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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