You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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