I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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