zippers are such a cool invention
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
