I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
