VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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