as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
