Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
