i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
